I've come to realize that when you get close to someone, real close, where they actually become a part of practically everything you do, (your thoughts, your actions, your decisions) when all is said and done, they never really leave you. In this day and age, you can never really fully block out someone. There's always friends of friends that know them, word of mouth, and facebook/myspace. What sucks the most is, no matter how much it hurts to be reminded of them, you find yourself self-inflicting the pain by seeking out information about them. You wonder how they're doing without you, are they better off, have they moved on... I thought I was getting stronger, more confident, but I was wrong. I am still weakend by my own actions. The very actions to which I can control. Its funny how quickly one single word or action could mean so much, even when I know it shouldn't, but it did. There's a difference between being untaken, and single. Think about it...
Yesterday I was untaken. Today I am single.
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8 comments:
WOW...i felt exactly like that 4 years ago. hope things have changed for the better-as they have for me, although it did take time(doubtful that you know who I am)
Things have gotten better. Thanks! Have we ever met? If not, Hi Karen, thanks for commenting! =D
I'm not sure that we've met, but you do look familiar. You went to Kennedy right? I went there for 2 years then transferred...but I remember a few Louie's. Grew up in Sac, but now live in the Monterey Bay area. I'm glad you are doing better..never thought I'd be a believer in "time heals all."
Yeah I did go to Kennedy! What class were you? So you're doing nursing? I'm still considering nursing too. We'll see...
'03. Nursing is a great field because it's so versatile. But in all honesty, I may still change paths. Currently I'm on track for nurse anesthetist, but depending on how things evolve, I may apply for med school later on. I still have a long way to go. I just want to travel and work wherever I travel to, and while I could do that as a nurse, I would feel better doing that as a doctor. AS you said though, we'll see..
I've learned that age has little to do with anything. I'll be turning 25 this year too(and yes, I did have a sad face moment thinking about it), but what's more important is your journey. I focus on enjoying life's simple pleasures while in school instead of focusing on how "old" I'm getting. If you're having fun, does it really matter how old you are? Meanwhile, I look forward to life's more elaborate pleasures when I finally have the financial means for them. So don't worry about your "quarter-life crisis" because if you pause for just a moment, you'll realize that it's actually the pause that you don't want...realize that you're on this path, and as long as you keep on going you can't feel bad because you're still in transit and don't know what lies ahead.
Wow, I could say so much more, and
I'm soo sorry for leaving a book as a comment; I got carried away, but I hope you get what I'm saying. . . .
So EMT huh?? How do you like it so far?
No, this is great! I really had no idea anyone read this thing! Haha. Thanks for the info though. Nurse anesthetist sounds awesome! I wish you luck in your pursuit! You sound pretty bright and definitely more focused than I am.. I say take them MCAT and just see how it goes! You never know!? =D I thought about it when I was at Davis, but realized I wouldn't be able to compete with my peers. Not selling myself short, but just being honest and real.
Yeah I am currently in an EMT-B program and its fun because I don't really feel the stress of getting an A, but instead learning and soaking up the experience. Of course I will try and get an "A" but it's not the focus for once! We will also get a clinical on an ambulance for a 12 hr shift I think and 2 two 8 hr shifts in the ER. We'll see how I like it. Ever since high school I wanted to do Paramed/ Firefighting, but that would also be another 3 years... so who knows. I guess I shouldn't trip about time and age, as long as I get there. Its just hard not knowing where there is. I'm the type of person that always has to know where I'm going, ya know?
Never say never...why do you think I'm in nursing school? Because I don't think I can compete...I hate to say "peers" because at both med & nursing schools, the age ranges can be unexpected. My point is that you seem just as "bright" as I seem to be, ok! =D
A classmate of mine is an EMT, and she loves it! I'm glad you're taking steps to help find your forte. I completely understand what you mean about uncertainty, but it's a great feeling when you finally got it. I roamed the Earth aimlessly for 3 years (yikes!) before getting it! I used to mentally/emotionally beat myself up about not going to UC right after HS, but the fact was that I had too much shit going on in my life & I had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I didn't want to waste neither the money nor time.
Sooo...I went to SCC and hated it. My aimless wandering went from school + work to just work. Somewhere between just working and going nowhere fast and going back to school, I started volunteering, figured out nursing was where I should be, broke up with the guy I'd already been with for way too long, and signed up for classes. In the end, I don't have any degrees, but I haven't wasted any money. That's not to say I don't still plan on going, but I'm a better student for having waited. So in 1 year, I was ready to apply for nursing school...
So where I'm torn now is in specialties...did you know there are about 20 nurse specialty organizations? RNA is just one...
About med school: I still feel as though I could not make it. A friend of mine (a computer scientist) is finishing his 2nd year and he felt that way when he left. He kept bugging me about doing medicine instead of nursing. And he's not the only one; I'd heard it from enough completely different people to have an epiphany & realize that maybe it's not just a matter of CAN, but also WANT. To this day, he believes I can do it, but I'm not completely sure I want to do it. But I do plan on taking those MCATs...
Lastly, I wanted to say that I realize it's a huge coincidence I landed on your blog, and you're from Sac. My medschool friend blogs on here, and while reading one day I drifted (and by the way, I really do enjoy your writing-it's like my thoughts on paper, in my style of speaking--but mind you, I am not a writer & even less capable of putting my thoughts onto paper) and I think the PA/nursing is what caught my eye. I read an older entry up until this particular entry...it evoked such strong feelings that I had to comment & stop reading. So, THANK YOU, for being as random as my thoughts, and actually inspiring me to do some writing of my own. It's nice to have someone else to give feedback. So, I will continue to read your blogs, but feel free to email me too. I'm not sure I like my super long "comments" on here. How many readers do you have again? I'm happy to talk anything, but nursing is my forte.
And does this mean you'll be making entries more than every 5 months?? =)
Oh kool. Thanks for the little run-down about you, I was curious! haha. Yeah I'm gonna try and post on here more, but I usually only do it when I'm bored. I'm not too familiar with this thing other than to write stuff down on. I don't know how to find other blogs (like yours if you have one) and whatnot. But you can always facebook me too. That's an easy way.
Oh and I'm glad I can connect with people with my writing. It makes me feel less alone in my feelings. The way I figure it, there are so many people out there, someone has to have gone through or is going through what I am. Anyway I can connect to them, the better I think everyone can feel to know they're not alone. Sorry if I lost ya. But yeah.
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