I think of myself as a pretty decent human being. Like many, I do make irrational decisions from time to time, especially under the influence of alcohol, but I still try to be as responsible as possible when it comes to everyone else. This summer was supposed to be kind of a release from the repetition of my past years. I decided to do more things which, in turn, translates into more spending. Now that the summer is ending, I find myself more lost than I was before. A summer I was hoping to find answers seemed to almost confuse or move me back 3 spaces away from a path I was hoping to find. This coming fall I will be taking NO CLASSES for the first time in 3294032 years. All I will be doing is working and hopefully getting some grad school applications out. The thing is, I want to take the GRE's and I won't have them done until after this round of applications are over. I feel like I've wasted all this time this summer being unfocused instead of mapping out my future. I literally feel there is no direction in my life right now... an epic failure.
Continuing on with the notion of failure, it seems like anything that has to do with chance seems to have some special force that keeps it away from me. Its like I'm a magnet of positive polarity only to repel anything that's positive away from me! And it's gotten so bad. I could probably flip a two-headed coin and call heads, and the coin would land on its edge. Of course I'm not just talking about gambling, its basically any situation that deals with chance. I know, I know, you optimists will say, "well you're healthy, and you have a roof over your head, a job..", blah blah. Yes I'm greatful for that stuff, but that's not chance. All that shit is earned. I am a beacon of positive charge because I know that I try to do what's right and in the best interest for others. The thing about polarity is that for every positive end, there's a negative. In my case I must be like a membrane (if this post isn't nerdy enough, it's about to get a bit more so fast foward), positive on one side, negative on the inside... I feel like I think about everyone so much, but feel bad when I feel like no one thinks about me. Confused? I'm not tryin to be EMO, I just feel guilty to think things like that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm losing my "charge". I feel like the universe is trying to bring me all the negative charges and bind them to me, in essence making me neutral; nothing; plain; uninfluential. I don't know what it is and I don't know what I need to do about it. All I know is that I've met some great people this summer at the cost of losing (or gaining depending how you look at it) a little bit of who I am..
We'll see how things go this fall. I have so much shit to do it feels like it's gonna blow right by before I know it... Started up again with my basketball team, and though its fun, it really is a huge responsiblity. Then I have my best friends wedding in Jan, where I'm the best man and officiant. And of course the bachelor party which I'm super excited for. But where in this lies time for me? I'm goin to be working close to full time while coaching. When will I get my charge back? Will my luck ever change or continue to waterfall? Or will I suddenly depolarize like an action potential and quickly become negative!? I hope not, but maybe its what I need to shake this unlucky streak. Chances are I won't be that lucky.
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Hi Mike, from reading what you wrote, you always take time out to think about others and I think that already makes you a very good human being. Yep, everybody makes irrational decisions sometimes, it doesn't even need alcohol to happen but alcohol just makes it worse so drinking responsibly is always a must. Sometimes, better than turning to alcohol, finding somebody to talk to will make you feel better and help you solve what is on your mind. More spending is all right, as long as you think it is worth it. Not taking classes is all right also because that will give you more time to do what you have to do and it will let you save up more money for your future education and plans. It sounds like taking the GRE's and applying to graduate school is your direction and future. What my friend did to narrow down his direction is he started to fill out applications for all the programs that he had any interest in, even if it was just a little interest. What happened was, he really started to realize what he wanted to do while he was writing the personal statements for the applications. For some programs, the personal statement was really easy to write because as he wrote them, he found out he really did have a passion for it. For the other programs, he realized he actually had no interest in them after all because he had no ideas and no motivation to write the personal statement. What helped him narrow down his choice even more at the end was which programs he got accepted to and which ones he got rejected from. He only got accepted into one program in the end so he went with it and he loves it now. It's different for everybody but just wanted to share how one of my friends mapped out his future.
You're right in that those things in life are earned but whether or not people have the ability to earn those things in life depends on chance. For example, being healthy can be earned from the right diet and exercise for most but some people with certain hereditary or neonatal diseases never got the chance to ever be healthy. Without their health, they will also not get the chance to go to school and finish off with a high paying job that lets them buy a house. Life is like a coin, it has two sides, the good and the bad. Anything that we want to accomplish, we have to put in effort to earn it but whether or not it will be earned depends on chance because hard work is not the solution to everything but hard work is the start to success.
If it even matters, the truth is, even when you guys don't blog, I sometimes think about how you and Karen are doing because we are blog buddies but I am almost sure that "G" doesn't ever cross your mind or anyone else's mind so I know what you mean when you say you think about others but others don't think about you hehe. Anyway, I think the people that you care about do think about you too. It's just that it might not be that obvious because they might not show it or express it. Try not to lose yourself but always keep being the good you and true to yourself.
Sometimes, I noticed that the more things that somebody has to do, the more that they are on top of it all. It's like when a person has very little to do, then they just start to slack because they think they have all the time in the world. Having a lot to do might not be that bad. Having a lot to do also means that people think that you are capable, talented, dependable, trustworthy, and a great guy otherwise people would not ask you to do so much. Don't accept too much work though, there is always a limit, and everybody should have time for themselves. Every minute needs to be taken advantage of; it's like the school days when you had to study even when taking the bus and train. You might be in the falling phase of the action potential right now but it won't take long before you go through the resting potential, pass the undershoot, and are back on the rising phase where everything goes well again. You will be at the peak again, very cool biology references by the way. On a happy note, I am sure that you will have fun at the bachelor party and wedding =) Good luck to you Mike and your basketball team too!
G, you always have nice things to say.
Mike, I feel you completely on all of that--so much to do for others, if not for yourself, and not enough time for any of it. I've been so busy that I haven't had any time to even write entries of my own (although on many nights I've considered it only to find that I needed the sleep more than anything else). Maybe instead of thinking about it in an "action potential" kind of way, consider fibrillation. Often when I've felt like this, I'd go somewhere, do something, anything to get away and recharge, per say. In terms of fibrillation, I think you will find something that will allow you to reground yourself, get your rhythm back. Figuratively speaking, it could be something as simple as prescriptions to tame the arrhythmia; or maybe a cardioversion,something dramatic with a desirable outcome. Maybe you'll find something (or someone) that is your pacemaker. Whatever it is, I wouldn't fret too much about it. I know you've heard this already, but you are a good person. And so long as you focus on staying good/positive, you will only surround yourself with that. In school, love, life. And don't worry so much about deadlines, for my sake. It only makes me feel horrible for skipping out on the UC after H.S. As old as we may feel, we ARE still young. I hope that you can find that little kick (atrial kick? -hehe) to recharge.
Thanks Karen for the compliment. A friend recently told me that sometimes it is not what is said but it is who said it that gives words meaning and significance. My friend told me that I should stop reading and commenting as my comments would come off as annoying and meaningless more than anything else since we really don't know each other. Having said that, I will no longer bother you Mike with any more insignificant words or comments. Take care and good luck with everything.
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