Nature

Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Mother Nature, Human Nature. It's all breaking apart. What do we have to thank for it. Us. The world is fighting back. I'm a firm believer that the world does and will fight back for the damage we've caused to it. Every other "life" or beings live in a homeostasis with the environment but us... humans. We are a leech on the environment. Like the Matrix, we are a virus that overcomes the system to selfishly create only to benefit us. To bring the macro scale down to the micro, it reminds me of karma. For the past few days, maybe weeks, the phrase, "when it rains, it pours" has stuck in my head. I work the early shift on Friday's and am too lazy to prepare myself a breakfast before work so I always pick something up at the same fast food joint. For the past 3 times I have seen the same girl. She is very attractive. Something about her just makes me feel new again and that's intriguing since I haven't felt like this since the first time I saw my ex. Even my coworker, who knows my history has said that he's never seen me talk about someone this way before. Question: Am I ready to move on? Have I already moved on? At the same time, when I feel like I'm getting pushed away from one connection, it pulls me closer again... "when it rains it pours". To feel like I have no options to having to much. Why can't things be simple? Why can't I just be easily pushed away to encourage myself to pursue someone else instead of getting caught in emotional dilemmas. I really care for someone, but I'm screaming to move on since she's not trying to reciprocate. Things always have to be done the hard way to be learned, human nature. I guess sometimes you have to endure a little bit of hurt to see the right way, human nature. I guess sometimes we have to face tragedy, before we can learn from our mistakes, mother nature. Sometimes we just have to let nature take its course without trying to control it, nature...

Next Friday I will take the next step and get the know my Friday morning wake up call. Will I be ready, I honestly don't care. At this point I feel like all I can do is just let nature take its course.

The Invisible Man

I think the hardest thing to have to endure is caring for someone so much and not get it in return. This has nothing against any particular person, and of course it's all subjective, but to have to feel what its like to feel like you're not cared about as much as you are giving forth has to be one of the worst feelings ever. Forgive me for the comprehension as I am blogging with a few drinks in me. But it's not a good feeling. Its like no matter what you do; no matter how hard you try; you can't earn the respect you think you deserve. Maybe its not the respect, but maybe the merit for the effort you've put forth. Maybe I'm being selfish... I know I'm a good guy. I know I have features that are valiant to many people. The worst part is that in my past I have always come short to the people I care about the most. I'll never be satisfactory with the person that means the most... me. After every breakup I endure, trying to figure out the reason for things, I always try to "improve" myself to make me a better me. I think the worst part is that I've spent so much time trying to improve something that may not need improving? I will never be content with myself. I've grown up dealing with the worst criticism, teased for being too short (then I got really tall), to being judged for being too weak and skinny, to being cheated on... twice (which is the worst shot to one's self confidence). Then I learned from my mistakes. I "improved" my physical appearance. Put on 40 lbs, changed the clothes I wear, blah blah blah. In the end, in today, I'm still not good enough. I know yourself is your worst critic, but this is rediculous. I have some great friends who always remind me of how good of a person I am, how good looking I am and etc. I'm grateful for them but it just doesn't hit me. There are many times I ask myself... why I am I working so hard for this? What is the point? No one sees me.. I wasn't good enough in the past, I'm not good enough now. "...to you, all I am is the invisible man".

Am I being selfish? I just want you to show me you care. I will always care. It's who I am. I won't change. The people I meet today tell me the same things about me as my friends in middle school. Sure I'll put on different clothes. Sure I'll put on the abercrombie physic. It doesn't mean shit to me until you notice me. I used to tell myself I do this for me. Sure some of me does, I like to be healthy, but do you think I put in countless hours of hard work in the gym, countless hours at work because I like to? NO. I want to be noticed. I want to appear to be someone different from the usual. So much do I have to fight the stigma of the fucktards that taint my chances at letting someone know who I am, because I am "a guy". Fine. Most likely I'll keep doing what I do, keep being who I am. But just know that I'm not content until I'm notice; until I'm respected; until I'm cared for the way I would notice, respect, and care for the people I interact with everday. My drunken rant is over.






Discover me.

Fortune Cookie

Happy Chinese New Year to anyone who celebrates it! I don't really "celebrate" it, but my family usually gets together for it so I guess it's a festivity. So I was sitting in my room chattin' it up with a close buddy of mine and I look to the right of my desk and see a fortune cookie (packaged of course). I got that cookie earlier this year and decided not to open if for some odd reason. Tonight was the night to open it... I figured, nothing has really changed for the 2010 new year and its been a month and a half already. Then it hit me! Oh yeah I'm Chinese, so maybe this is when my year starts! Just trying to kick up my imagination. Anyway, I decided to open it and see what my fortune has to say for this new chinese year. It said, "If given a penny for every kind act, you'd be a millionaire". Now I don't want to sound self-centered, but this is the best "fortune" I've ever got! It really kind of hit me, at least enough to blog about it, that I am a nice guy. I do try and go out of my way to be kind, not because I'm trying to be someone I'm not, but because it is who I am. I just do. I just am. This fortune really reflected a fortune of me! It's kind of nice to hear it (or read it in this case), and from a divine perspective, maybe I was supposed to get this fortune cookie. Maybe I was supposed to open it tonight. Maybe someone or something is reminding me of who I am in the turmoil of the past months being cataclismically confused about who and what I am. Right now, I feel like it doesn't matter what I am, or what direction I need to go. Because of who I am, I will be ok. Money doesn't make you rich. It's the acts you bestow on the people around you; the interactions you create; the contageousness of happiness born by a smile. I am who I am. Right now I feel like a millionare. I am the richest man in the world... Kind of.

Here's a Turkey.

Food for thought.

It's not talking shit if it's the truth.

Happy ALL-STAR GAME day. Yes today is Valentine's Day. Another Hallmark holiday. Love should be celebrated everyday, not just today. You should want to do something special for that someone on any random occassion like, uh, because you feel like it, not just because some holiday says so. This year, like the last, Valentine's Day is a reminder for the rest of us with a nonfulfilled significant other void that we are alone. A slap in the face to let you know that NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU.

Ok, that was a bit harsh. But in reality, that is the real. It's not talking shit if it's the truth-spoken by my friend tonight. People say its all in the outlook. True. But days like these where you see, feel, smell, the "love in the air", it can really make one, more specifically me, sad. I'm not the type of guy who likes to go out and pick up girls and get the numbers and never call them. My friends are like that, and I respect them for who they are, but I am definitely a different breed. I like doing things for someone. I like knowing I make someone smile, make them happy; give them that feeling of butterflies when they think of me. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want. It's not talking shit if it's the truth. Look at me. My friends say I'm tall, clean cut, intelligent, athletically fit, responsible, sweet guy who can get anyone if I tried. But I don't want anyone. I want her to want me. I mean really, my favorite genre of music is R&B. That should pretty much tell you the tone of my life.

This Valentine's Day is going to serve to me as a reminder of how much I've cared for certain people in my life. To reflect back on my past Valentine's Days, all I can say is damn. If you are out there, and I am lucky enough that you stumbled on here to read this, I can only hope that you would show half the dedication, effort, and love I've put into this holiday on me. I wonder what it feels like...? Don't get me wrong. I've had some great past V-days, but I can honestly say I've put a lot into this holiday and it would be nice to get some of that back... (get back not take back).

On that note, I will post some lyrics to a song I've wrote with a picture of probably THE happiest time of my life (so far).

Chorus
Your eyes spell beauty,
Your smile shines purely,
Could you be the one?
Please tell me, tell me...
You got me stuck and I wanna be,
The kind of guy that's your only.
Could you be the one?
Just tell me , tell me...

Verse 2
I feel real when I'm around you.
You make my skies turn blue too.
You complete me, you hold the key,
To unlocking all of love's eternity.
We fit together like hoodies in stormy weather,
A perfect song written like "Now and Forever".
A fairtale, I'm telling you rescued me.
Heaven sent, like an angel playing destiny...
.
.


"True love never dies"

Memories...

Let's kick this up a notch. I'm going to start adding pictures in this bad boy if I can so THE WORLD, or at least the 1 or 2readers I get every 3 months, can get a glimse of what goes on in my life! EXCITING!

not really...

But I'll try none the less! This week is "Doppleganger" week, meaning you're supposed to put up a picture of a celebrity on your facebook that you've been told you look like... I put my friend Bryon up because all throughout high school we would always get confused for each other, even by relatives! I won't post it up as you can check my facebook for his model pic I put up. I don't see any resemblance. Here's what I really wanted to put up, I get this ALLLLL the time.


LEONIDAS!!!!

OK OK... Minus the facial hair, and the abs. Oh and my pic is not edited like his! The picture just came out funny on that person's camera... I mean my camera. On that note, a dude at the gym was asking if I'm trying to bulk up today. Hmm, not really? But thanks for noticing!? Hopefully I'll be seeing that guy around as he said it was his first time in a long time. I know how hard it is to get started. No fun. Ok onto more pictures!

Most of the time I'm taking inspirational pictures of clouds and sunsets and rainbows and blah blah blah, or of my friends doing rediculous stuff. But here's today's inspirational picture with some inspirational words of wisdom from yours truely...

Real beauty can be found all around us if we take the time too look at it. It shouldn't have to be looked for. We are presented with it at any given moment. I feel that what we find beauty in is a reflection of ourself. Everyone's different. If you can't find beauty in anything, then you must be pretty damn ugly. This pic was taken today at a stoplight in my neighborhood on my way home.


Don't expect every post to be like this one. I'm really really bored and its pretty late as usual. In fact, this has to probably be the most random post I've made yet. I apologize. The creative writer in me will return soon to vent about more focused topics. GOODNIGHT.

In Search of a Title

Its a new year and I need something to say I've accomplished. Hopefully it will be a mulitude of things (i.e. getting into a grad school), but I will settle for the first step, EMT-B. I am taking the EMT-B program at CRC and it looks interesting. I think this will really test the waters to see if I really want to do something more "in the field" versus, in a clinical setting. This year is going to be an interesting one, albeit a sucky one probably as I will be turning 25. Now I know there is no such thing as a quarter life crisis, maybe because I never hear anyone say that but me, but I think I am experiencing it. THINK about it. What would you think about in your quarter-life? I'm sure most of us would be asking the same questions: What direction am I going in life? Am I making the right career decision? Is it time to grow up and being thinking about settling down? Family? House?
See there is such a thing as a quarter life crisis. No I'm not going to go out and buy a big kid toy because, frankly, I can't afford it. But I do need to find inspiration in something to keep me going. I've been stuck in a rut for the past 6 or so months. I don't see myself going anywhere, and when I do I question the validity of it. If its the right way? Everyone I talk to (mostly older patients at the clinic) say, "you're still young" blah blah. Thanks for the compliment, but I feel like I don't have the time, energy OR resources to make a decision that's a mistake. I want to be happy in a decision that will affect the REST OF MY LIFE. On that note, money may not buy happiness, but is sure does make things easier, especially to those who know how to stretch it. Sorry Diddy, more money does not mean more problems. Its only a problem if that's your main focus. So like I said, I want to be happy. Content. Comfortable. Enthusiastic. All and any other adjectives to describe a good, long life for me and my family.

On that note, 2012 was a pretty crappy movie. Happy blogging everyone.