Are you ok?

That was the question of the night? Am I ok? I dunno... am I? I spend the latter week with my best friend to shake the weeks of torment and distortion of reality to find myself at no better place than I'd thought I'd be. I'm going to say it straight up. I'm not the same. A part of me is missing. Whether I was happy or not back then, I was still me, and right now I'm subpar. Even to my best friend's girlfriend, to whom I'm most likely going to be making the best man speech at says I'm only "an 8" in her rating. An 8? That's not me. Erase the arrogance, erase the cockiness. On any given day if I could honestly rate myself I'd half to put me at at least an 8.5+. Maybe I'm being too generous. What I do know is that when I look at people there is a boundary that which I do not cross. It's back to the little fish big fish scheem. I know where I stand, and if I jump into a territory too big for me, chances are I will get eaten. Though I have scored a big fish before, it still didn't work, as she realized that I wasn't up to par for her. I know lightening doesn't strike twice, let alone in the same place. So here I am, wallowing in my own sorrow to realize that since I scored high once, I expect high now, though I am just a mere 8. An 8 to an honest girl who is committed to my best friend. She even mention confidence is everything. I have yet to discover that. Its been 5 months now and I'm still not there yet. I'm going to be turning 24 next month. I have no idea where I'm going next year, haven't studied for the GREs yet, and still feel more alone than I have ever been. Not to knock all of my friends who have tried to help me with the lonely weekends, you're all the best and I love you all for it. But if you feel like "Mike" hasn't been there lately, it's cause I haven't.. I'm not all here... yet... and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be because I don't know who I really am right now. Without her I'm still not ok.

Felt like a memory...

Yeah, so last week I thought I was having such a good week. I thought that I was evolving, adapting, becoming more like ME. Then Sunday night came. I must have spent too much time on the internet lounging at old albums and reminicing because I had not just a dream, not just a bad dream, but a memory. It was so swarovskian clear that I can honestly tell you that it felt like I relived a handful of great memories. Weird huh? It gets weirder. It started off fairly innocent, like a dream, where my subconscious was trying to imagine, foreshadow how things could be in the future. It basically seemed like a test, and so far I was passing it. Then something changed. The test took a drastic turn, introducing a curveball that I didn't see coming. At this point I failed. She took my hand, placed her head on my shoulder and said "I miss this"... and I did too. The crazy thing was at that point in my "dream", I realized I was dreaming, but I couldn't do anything about it. We carried on, laughing, enjoying being with each other, as I relived all of the little things that usually go overlooked, but now felt so important and valuable. But did I want to feel this? A part of me felt good to feel this way again, another part felt like I was going though self-torture, since I knew I was dreaming, yet couldn't do anything about what was going on. Confused yet? I am. I was doing so well... I thought I was doing so well. I still care way too much. 5 weeks. Back to square one without a single word...