HOLY CRAP!

I haven't posted in a long time. Well if anyone does read this, I am currently pretty darn bored so I will write what is on my mind right now. Las Vegas. 6 more days and I'm too freakin' excited. I hope I don't end up sleeping most of the time. Either way, I going to have a blast because I need one. When looking at my last post, am I ok? Hmm, yeah I for sure and now. I've become content with the fact that I can't change the past, nor can I bring it back (at least until my Mr. Fusion starts working again to produce the 1.21 jigawatts needed to power my flux capacitor). So what am I doing? I'm living in the present. Presently bored, but excited for the future. What's that? VEGAS. I get to finally go with a couple of my boys and do Vegas the way everyone should experience it at least once. Even if it's like "The Hangover", I'm fully down... minus the floories, rapies, err roofies. And maybe without the tiger too. But yeah, I finally have something to look foward to. But what after? I'm going to have such a good time I KNOW its going to change me, just a bit, for the better. And it should tie me over until SNOOOOWBOARDING. Which I've already had 2 dreams now about ridin' in the pow. The bug has bit me early. First stop Vegas, next stop... THE WORLD!

...you ain't ready...

Are you ok?

That was the question of the night? Am I ok? I dunno... am I? I spend the latter week with my best friend to shake the weeks of torment and distortion of reality to find myself at no better place than I'd thought I'd be. I'm going to say it straight up. I'm not the same. A part of me is missing. Whether I was happy or not back then, I was still me, and right now I'm subpar. Even to my best friend's girlfriend, to whom I'm most likely going to be making the best man speech at says I'm only "an 8" in her rating. An 8? That's not me. Erase the arrogance, erase the cockiness. On any given day if I could honestly rate myself I'd half to put me at at least an 8.5+. Maybe I'm being too generous. What I do know is that when I look at people there is a boundary that which I do not cross. It's back to the little fish big fish scheem. I know where I stand, and if I jump into a territory too big for me, chances are I will get eaten. Though I have scored a big fish before, it still didn't work, as she realized that I wasn't up to par for her. I know lightening doesn't strike twice, let alone in the same place. So here I am, wallowing in my own sorrow to realize that since I scored high once, I expect high now, though I am just a mere 8. An 8 to an honest girl who is committed to my best friend. She even mention confidence is everything. I have yet to discover that. Its been 5 months now and I'm still not there yet. I'm going to be turning 24 next month. I have no idea where I'm going next year, haven't studied for the GREs yet, and still feel more alone than I have ever been. Not to knock all of my friends who have tried to help me with the lonely weekends, you're all the best and I love you all for it. But if you feel like "Mike" hasn't been there lately, it's cause I haven't.. I'm not all here... yet... and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be because I don't know who I really am right now. Without her I'm still not ok.

Felt like a memory...

Yeah, so last week I thought I was having such a good week. I thought that I was evolving, adapting, becoming more like ME. Then Sunday night came. I must have spent too much time on the internet lounging at old albums and reminicing because I had not just a dream, not just a bad dream, but a memory. It was so swarovskian clear that I can honestly tell you that it felt like I relived a handful of great memories. Weird huh? It gets weirder. It started off fairly innocent, like a dream, where my subconscious was trying to imagine, foreshadow how things could be in the future. It basically seemed like a test, and so far I was passing it. Then something changed. The test took a drastic turn, introducing a curveball that I didn't see coming. At this point I failed. She took my hand, placed her head on my shoulder and said "I miss this"... and I did too. The crazy thing was at that point in my "dream", I realized I was dreaming, but I couldn't do anything about it. We carried on, laughing, enjoying being with each other, as I relived all of the little things that usually go overlooked, but now felt so important and valuable. But did I want to feel this? A part of me felt good to feel this way again, another part felt like I was going though self-torture, since I knew I was dreaming, yet couldn't do anything about what was going on. Confused yet? I am. I was doing so well... I thought I was doing so well. I still care way too much. 5 weeks. Back to square one without a single word...

Two days in a row...

I've come to realize that when you get close to someone, real close, where they actually become a part of practically everything you do, (your thoughts, your actions, your decisions) when all is said and done, they never really leave you. In this day and age, you can never really fully block out someone. There's always friends of friends that know them, word of mouth, and facebook/myspace. What sucks the most is, no matter how much it hurts to be reminded of them, you find yourself self-inflicting the pain by seeking out information about them. You wonder how they're doing without you, are they better off, have they moved on... I thought I was getting stronger, more confident, but I was wrong. I am still weakend by my own actions. The very actions to which I can control. Its funny how quickly one single word or action could mean so much, even when I know it shouldn't, but it did. There's a difference between being untaken, and single. Think about it...

Yesterday I was untaken. Today I am single.

Another Day, Another Dollar

So I should be studying right now, but instead I'm sitting at my desk, eating Capt'n Crunch and watching Ocean's Eleven at midnight. Yeah that's pretty much how my week goes. I barely have any time for me anymore, and the free time I do have, its dedicated to eating, working out, and sleep, instead of studying. I'm working the most hours I've ever worked while going to school. Granted its only 1 class, it is a night class and it has a lab, and I work every single day. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I work, and its already been a little over 3 months and I still feel the same about it. I have the greatest bosses, the most fun PT one could work with and all the aides, I can tell, are going to be friends of mine for quite some time. Things couldn't be better. It rained and poured, as the saying goes, good things. Then it stopped and just started to get cold. First I find out that a huge part of my life has to end, and though I feel better knowing where I stand, I can't help to feel like I've fallen. Then a new PT joined the clinic and he's throwing off the mojosphere. I hate to bicker, as I am usually the ear to help someone else get things off their chest too, until recently. I've become the voice and it really brings me down. I can tell it just isn't me lately. I feel bad for the people around me as I am constantly distrupted by the skewd coarse he puts me on early in my day/week. As my mom always says, "there are going to be people who always want to bring you down. All you can do is be you, and do what you do. Keep getting back up, and one day you'll be at the top". Reminds of of the D-Wade commerical, "fall seven, up eight". The constant struggle but in the end still remain standing. So that's what I'm going to do. Endure. Stand.

With all this ruckus going on during the week I also find myself working out harder. The gym has always been my gateway to stress release, and it seems to still do the job. The good thing is that I can actually see something positive out of this, the bad thing is that it also probably contributes to my fatigue. Then there's the bitter sweet weekend. Sweet because I'm free, bitter because I want to do so much but can't in 2 days. Just to list a few... snowboarding, basketball, hang out with friends/ coworkers, watch NBA, go see a movie, study, but most importantly yet never achieved, SLEEP. Maybe I need to cut some of my hours. But like I said, I love where I work. My coworkers make it fun and the money is money! I must also mention that it almost feels weird to have no one to spend it on but me. I guess that's a good thing? Who knows. I'm still pretty lost. I had a great weekend last weekend with a small group of friends. Got to erase reality for at least a couple days. But I've been going too all out. Though those times are rare, I need to make sure I do them sparingly. I'm more of a little things are more fun than the big things kinda guy, and so is my wallet.

Ok well my cereal bowl is empty. I'm glad I got to get some of this stuff out of my head. I think I can sleep better now. Today is now Wednesday. And I'm glad its Wednesday. Hope you enjoyed the way my mind wanders and writes! =D

2009

So 2009 is here, and I decided yet again to revive this blog. I think what I enjoy most about this thing is that I can type straight from the dome. Its not like writing a paper and having to think things through to make sure it makes sense and whatnot. Its just a good outlet to let things out for myself and anyone who's curious about me. So what's new with 2009. Well since I am chinese, this is supposedly my year, the year of the OX. So far so good. I have a great job, working with great people, though I am getting stretched thing as far as energy and time goes with work and school, I got to ride FRESH powder, and I played craps the other day and won. So all in all I have nothing to really complain about. There are some things that are missing, but there are also some things that are new, and I guess that's what great about the new year. My resolution this year is to be more assertive in all aspects involving me and my future. What that means to me is that I want to try and network myself, take advantage of the opportunities I have infront of me and go get them. Not only am I working in a Physical Therapy clinic and gaining great experience, I am also meeting people who seem to be able to give good advice among the path I am taking. So that's a little bit about this year. I will try and be more "assertive" with this blog, though I think its more therapeutic for me than it is for anyone reading it! Gnite!